


My Feelings Exactly

by zebraljb



Series: 2019 Advent Ficlet Challenge [23]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Pining, admission of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 16:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21916135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zebraljb/pseuds/zebraljb
Summary: Merlin has been in love with his best friend for years...and then Harry shows up on his doorstep unexpectedly on Christmas Day.
Relationships: Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin
Series: 2019 Advent Ficlet Challenge [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1560508
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84
Collections: 2019 Advent Ficlet Challenge





	My Feelings Exactly

**Author's Note:**

> Advent Prompt # 23 - Sentiment

Merlin sees more than he ever wants to see. It’s part of the job description, really…he is the eye in the sky, the voice in the ear. He is the brains of almost every mission. The only thing he can’t do is touch, and for the most part he doesn’t want to. He’s always been a bit of a voyeur. 

But unfortunately most of what he sees isn’t pleasant. He watches people lie, steal, kill…all in the name of what is right. He’s watched Bors blow up a warehouse of people and then cry in the woods as he watches it burn. He’s watched Tristan neatly send a blade into a man’s heart, then gaze mournfully at a picture of the man’s daughter on his desk. He’s watched Eggsy tear through a room full of people with flying hands and fists, and then hold a dying woman in his arms, asking for her forgiveness because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And then there is his Galahad. Not his Galahad in truth, but in Merlin’s mind. He’s known Harry Hart as long as he’s been at Kingsman, the two seem to go hand-in-hand. He can’t imagine one without the other, which is why Merlin was absolutely devastated when he watched Richmond Valentine put a gun to Harry’s beautiful face and pull the trigger. That gunshot took away everything. For a short time it actually took away Merlin’s senses. He couldn’t see anything but the gun in front of Harry’s face. He couldn’t hear anything but the blast of the gun, followed by the eventual ceasing of Harry’s breathing. He couldn’t feel anything at all, his entire body numb. His best friend, his confidant, the man he’d been secretly in love with for decades. Gone. 

But then Eggsy came to HQ with a microchip, Lancelot went up in space, and Merlin has to save the world. He didn’t have time to look at anything else but the imminent destruction ahead. He focused on that, and they came out victorious. That victory was short-lived, however; as he sat beside Eggsy on the plane with Lancelot stretched out on the sofa across the aisle, Merlin felt the pain wash over him like a tidal wave.

Once Harry returned from the dead Merlin watched him like a hawk. He said it was simply because Harry was now Arthur, and it was his job to protect Arthur at all costs, but mainly it was because he could not bear to watch Harry disappear again. He couldn’t have Harry for his very own, but he could at least keep him alive. At least he has Eggsy to help; Eggsy values Harry’s existence on the planet almost as much as Merlin does, although at a purely platonic level. When they’d first started interacting after Harry’s return Merlin WAS a bit concerned; Eggsy seemed to worship the ground Harry walked on. But Merlin soon realized it was entirely hero worship. Eggsy was not only straight, but deeply in love with his Swedish princess. He and Harry soon fell into the role of father and son, a relationship which was actually quite adorable.

Now if Merlin could only come to terms with HIS feelings for Harry.

“So…wanted to ask you blokes a question, if we got a minute?” Eggsy asks. He bites at a thumbnail and anxiously looks from Merlin to Harry.

Merlin stacks his papers and clipboard. “I have some time.”

Harry pushes his chair back from the Table. They’ve just completed a meeting of the agents and he looks tired. “Is this a tea sort of conversation, or a ‘something stronger’ type of discussion?”

“Oh, tea is fine. Can I sit back down?”

“Of course, my boy.” Harry gives him a warm smile and goes to pour tea.

“Allow me, Harry.” Merlin gently nudges him out of the way.

“Are you worried I can’t pour with only one eye?” Harry says with a grimace.

“Aye…your tea-pouring skills are the most important of all my concerns regarding ye, Arthur.” Merlin makes a face as well.

Once they’re situated at the table Merlin motions for Eggsy to continue. “So, was gonna go to Sweden over Christmas.”

“Yes, Eggsy…I approved your leave.” Harry sips at his tea.

“And if ye would nae mind, I have some papers I would like ye to give to the princess.”

“Gladly,” Eggsy says, always eager to help Kingsman in any way he can. “But I was…I was gonna maybe…see, I bought…” He takes a deep breath. “Was gonna propose, got Tilde a ring for Christmas, wanted to talk to the two of you about it.”

“My boy, that is excellent news!” Harry immediately steps around the table to hug him. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks, but what about Kingsman?” Eggsy looks at Merlin unhappily. “Love it here, but…I love her, too.”

“Lad, we would never ask ye to put Kingsman before your heart,” Merlin says softly. “We are nae like Chester King. We will find a way for ye to do both…be of service to Kingsman and have your happy ending.”

“Exactly,” Harry says, hugging Eggsy again. Merlin smiles but his heart is breaking. At least someone gets a happy ending.

Merlin sleeps until half-eight on Christmas morning, a serious indulgence. He pulls on a pair of jeans and an older jumper and makes himself a thermos of tea. He pulls on a hat and gloves, opens his door to leave, and is shocked to see Harry Hart on the other side.

“Why, Harry? Are ye all right?” Merlin looks over him in concern.

“Happy Christmas, Merlin. I’m fine. I…you’re off somewhere?” Harry almost looks disappointed.

“Oh, yes, Happy Christmas. I was going to work.”

“Work.” Harry blinks at him. “On Christmas?”

“Ye should well know, Harry, that Kingsman doesn’t stop operations on holidays.”

“Of course I know that,” Harry snaps.

“Well, come in.” Merlin feels foolish as he steps aside to let Harry into his house. “Ye dinnae have plans today?”

“A cousin invited me for dinner, but I wasn’t up to my family today.”

Merlin smiles. He’s met a few of Harry’s relatives…he can’t blame him. “Well, I don’t have much to offer ye here, but I have tea.”

“Tea sounds wonderful.” Harry removes his coat and hangs it up. “You didn’t decorate.”

“No one to see it but me, so why bother? I’m at HQ more than I’m here anyway.” Merlin leads the way into the kitchen. He pours the steaming tea from his thermos into two mugs and places sugar and milk on the table. 

“I have a wreath on the door and a small tree. Eggsy actually brought his sister over to help me decorate it. THAT was an experience.” But Harry looks as if he’s enjoying the memory. 

“Oh, I’m sure it was.” Merlin stirs his tea. “I might have some biscuits, or…”

“No, I’m fine. I’m sorry for imposing, just showing up unannounced.”

“Harry, we’ve known each other for years. Ye may show up here any time,” Merlin promises.

“Oh, I know, I…thank you.” Harry looks uncomfortable. He sips at his tea and then pulls an envelope from his coat pocket. “This is for you. Happy Christmas.”

“Harry,” Merlin whispers, thunderstruck. “We have never exchanged gifts.”

“I know.”

Merlin slowly opens the envelope. “A gift certificate for monthly massages?”

“Yes. I know you don’t like people touching you, but this is only from the waist up. They specialize in working with people who sit at desks all day. It would help your arms, your shoulders, your neck. I just…I thought you might like being pampered a bit.”

“I…thank you, Harry. This was quite thoughtful. I’m very sorry I dinnae have a gift for you,” Merlin says, and he means it. He would shower Harry with gifts if given the opportunity.

“I didn’t give it to you so you could give me something in return. Eggsy’s proposal plans had me thinking. Thinking about so many things, my own lack of relationship especially. I’ve been given the opportunity more than once, met some very nice people over the years.”

“Aye,” Merlin says noncommittally. He knows Harry is bisexual…and he also knows how generous Harry’s heart is. Anyone involved with him would be treated like a king or queen.

“I finally was able to put my finger on it. Held a mirror up to myself if you will. The reason I never got involved with anyone was because there was one person I wanted, and he never seemed to be interested.”

“I see,” Merlin says weakly, his heart falling into the bottom of his tea. 

“And THEN I realized perhaps he didn’t know how interested I myself was. Am,” he corrects. Harry looks at him for a long moment and then reaches over to take Merlin’s hand. “I’ve been interested for so very long, almost from the moment I met him in training. And then he became Merlin, I became Galahad, and Kingsman took our lives from us. But now we’re older, and the foundation of Kingsman is strong, with our without our participation.”

“Harry, what are you saying?” Merlin whispers.

“I’m saying I care about you very much, Hamish, more than just a friend. I know you’re not one for sentimental blathering, and either am I, to be honest…but I feel the need to express my feelings.” Harry shrugs a bit and gives Merlin a shy smile. “The moment I lay eyes on you, my day immediately improves.”

Merlin smiles the immense lump in his throat. “Ye were wrong about something,” he begins, and Harry slowly pulls his hand away. Merlin grabs it again. “Ye said I dinnae like people touching me, and that is not true. It depends on the person.” He takes Harry’s hand, brings it to his mouth, and ever so gently kisses the palm. “There is someone whose touch I would very much enjoy…I’ve dreamt about it, actually.”

“Hamish?” Harry asks, his hand curling to rest against Merlin’s cheek. “Are you…”

“Aye. I am.” Merlin leans forward and kisses Harry before he can say another word.

In fact, no words are spoken again for hours.

**Author's Note:**

> So we are almost at the end of this little project that I originally didn't think I wanted to do. I would like to thank Eggsyobsessed for sending the prompt list my way, and I would like to thank each and every one of you for reading it and leaving lovely comments.
> 
> I would like to ask for one thing in return. The fandom is slowly waning, which is understandable as time passes. I've only been in the fandom for two years and I hate to see it go; please, if you have ever felt the wiggle of a story idea, please give it a try! Write it! I've found that everyone in the fandom is quite welcoming and encouraging, and we would all love to see some new writers on the scene. 
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr at zebraljb.


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